Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
