final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
the raccoons are back...
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