Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
