I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
