I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
