DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
