Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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