You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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