right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
