He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
