Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
