I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
