Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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