I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
