Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
