Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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