I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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