Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
