Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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