i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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