using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
