Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
