ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
