i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
