the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
