I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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