what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
