Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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