im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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