Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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