I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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