party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Randomize
