So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
babies were throwing up all over the place
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
