If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
