I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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