How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
