It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
