Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
