I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
