I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
