just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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