I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
