He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
