I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
