Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
