Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
