You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
