her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
