thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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