I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Screwed.edu
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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